these first three weeks

For Phoenix:

the moment i met you, i felt like i'd known you all my life. longer than that actually - it was as if my spirit recognized you and had known all along that we were destined to meet, that you were destined to be mine. and every time i have breastfed you, cuddled you, gazed at your sweet face these past three weeks since you were first placed in my arms by your papa, i have felt the connection between our souls. i think about who you'll become, what our relationship will be like, how you'll resemble me and how you'll resemble your father. i am wholly, eternally consumed by my love for you. 

i didn't realize my connection to you would be this strong. it's been a strange three weeks, feeling like i already know you better than any other human who lives on this planet while at the same time needing to get to know you, this new little person in my life, because learning your day-to-day is different than knowing your soul. every day i celebrate small victories - learning what that little tilt of your head means, that when you cry a certain way it means you're hungry while a different cry means you need to burp. getting used to your signals that you've had enough of the world and you need to retreat to the quiet of our bedroom to calm down and relax. gaining the ability to respond appropriately to your needs and your cues, so that what had become extremely fussy and frustrated evenings are now quieting down into pleasant ones, punctuated by the routines we are building together. i feel like we're starting to work as a team, supported so well by your papa who can magically manage to calm your cries when i just can't figure out how.

you fight sleep during the day, not wanting to miss a moment of the action i guess. if we get you to sleep solidly for a full hour in the daylight, we consider that a victory. your deep blue eyes observe the world around you, taking everything in until your overtiredness makes you cranky and desperate for sleep. then i bundle you up into the babywrap and we head outside.

we've been venturing tentatively out into the world, as i realized that the adrenaline pumping through my system in the first few days of your life made me feel more ready and more recovered than i really was. for now, we're happy with slow walks around the neighbourhood, to do a little shopping or to drop by a cafe or a bakery for a treat. you happily nap against my chest as i walk, feeling more comfortable wearing you in our wrap than pushing you in the stroller for now.

i experience so many moments each day when i am just in awe of the amazing miracle we performed together - i helped you grow and develop in my belly, and when you were ready (20 days later than expected) we worked together to bring you earthside. i am in awe of our bond, of our connection, and i am completely in awe of you, little Phoenix. sometimes all i can do is hold you tight and kiss your soft fuzzy head, tears welling up in my eyes, as my spirit overflows with thankfulness and joy that you are here with me.

you have already taught me so much in our first three weeks together. i love you more than any words could ever articulate. thank you for being mine and for embarking on this journey with me.

with eternal love,

your mamma.